Some Signs That You Are Just Getting Old

Musings of an Aging Mind

You know how to tell you’re really getting old?
Not by looking in the mirror; mirrors are the worst liars of all. Most people (myself included) see exactly what they want to see when they look into a mirror, and don’t see the rest of it.
Nor by getting up from a chair and hearing all your joints sound like Rice Krispies with the milk being poured on (though that happens to me as well).
No, there are far more subtle ways to tell you’re getting old, and believe me when I tell you that I feel these in large measure just about any day of the week.
Here’s what a few minutes’ research on the topic turned up.
You know you’re getting old when …
You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
Your “little black book” contains only names that end with “M.D.”
You reach the top of the ladder and find it’s leaning against the wrong wall.
You look forward to a dull evening at home.
Your favorite part of a newspaper is the look back in history, 40 years ago this week.
You sit down in a rocking chair, and can’t get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your pacemaker causes the garage doors in your neighborhood to open or close.
You sink your teeth into a steak … and they stay there.
Your mind makes contracts but your body says, “Are you kidding me?”
You know all the answers, but nobody is asking you the questions.
When you do manage to bend over, you look for something else to do while you’re down there.
You sign up for cable television just so you can have The Weather Channel.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You hold a party and your neighbors don’t even realize it went on.
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere close to the top of your pants.
You answer the phone at 9 p.m. and the caller asks, “Did I wake you?”
You dream about prunes.
You consider coffee one of the four major food groups.
Speed limits are no longer a challenge to you when you’re driving.
You’d rather go to work than stay home if you’re sick.
You hear the music in the elevator and sing along with it, because it was the most popular song when you were a teenager.
You call your dentist before the dentist calls you.
You buy a compass to put on the dashboard of your car.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You fall asleep, and people check to see if you’re still breathing.
Your main form of exercise is acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age, and he isn’t breaking any laws.
You can remember all the lyrics to the song at the top of the charts when you were 21, but can’t remember why you walked into the kitchen.
Happy hour is a nap.
Your childhood toys are now collectibles and antiques.
Six in the morning is when you wake up, not when you go to bed.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
The vast majority of the time you spend in front of a computer is for work.
You think having bifocals puts you ahead of those poor people with trifocals.
People tell you that you look great … then they add, “for your age.”
You don’t do much of anything all day, but still need a nap.
Finding your year of birth in a drop-down menu is like spinning the “Wheel of Fortune.”
Your favorite plans always turn out to be the ones that were cancelled.
You fall down and people don’t laugh, but panic and start trying to help.
You realize that you’re the same age as “old people.”
You create a new class of noun called “thingy” because you can’t remember what something is really called.
You and your teeth don’t sleep in the same bed at night.
Going out means running errands, not having a “good time.”
You still do “crazy” things, but you do them slower than you used to.
You sometimes speed to your destination, so you won’t forget where you’re going.
Your favorite team isn’t a baseball or football team; it’s your doctor, pharmacist, and cardiologist.
You laughed at almost all of these.